


Something You Carry With You

by Phoenixinthehouseofthemoon



Series: Breaks From Within [1]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Dubious Consent, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt has no concept of consent, Implied Necrophilia, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jaskier is a feral alley cat in human form, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Feral Bastard, Multi, Nor does Yennefer, STREGOBOR IS HIS OWN WARNING, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24136582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenixinthehouseofthemoon/pseuds/Phoenixinthehouseofthemoon
Summary: Geralt has no concept of consent. Nor does Yennefer. Jaskier does, but he’s rather busy being a feral alley cat given human form.AKA: Well...that got dark quickly.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Series: Breaks From Within [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751503
Comments: 171
Kudos: 330





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr and ported over at the request of one of my discord friends! 
> 
> Title taken from the Neil Gaiman quote, “I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not a place you go.”

  * Geralt is horrified by Chireadan’s diagnosis. He doesn’t like mages, hasn’t done since ~~“The girl in the woods will always be with you”~~ and “ ~~The Butcher of Blaviken~~ ” and ~~stones pelting him from every direction and -~~
  * Well, he just doesn’t like mages and hasn’t done for a while. The price for their help is both steep and unpredictable.
  * He can smell Jaskier’s blood where it’s seeped into his shirt and it’s ~~his fault, his fault, his fault; he kills the people he loves, it’s what he’s good at~~
  * He loves Jaskier’s voice, even if he’ll never admit as much. Has soothed himself after nightmares and hunts gone wrong, with the memory of Jaskier’s voice far too many times to count. To never hear that voice again...
  * There is no choice. Not really. Not with Jaskier on the line.
  * So, he gathers Jaskier up and rides to the mage. Jaskier is heavy in his arms, the scent of his blood a thick cloud surrounding them. The only thing Geralt can focus on is Jaskier’s rasping breaths and rapid heartbeat.
  * It’s a miracle they make it to the mage at all. He’ll be sure to give Roach a treat when this is over.
  * When he enters the house Geralt’s nose is flooded with the scent of rotten apples, lilac, gooseberries and sex.
  * Suddenly, he’s back in Stregobor’s castle, that sick illusory glade, being asked to kill Renfri.
  * A wet cough from Jaskier’s unconscious form is the only thing that stops him from turning around and riding as far from this place as he could.
  * He walks through the orgy, flashes of another place, another time, another person he loves cares for dying in his arms because of him assaulting him with every step.
  * By the time he makes it to Yennefer, he’s not sure if he’s addressing her or Stregobor or both. It doesn’t matter. So long as they can help Jaskier, he’ll do whatever they ask of him.
  * He doesn’t like being The Butcher, but he can be for Jaskier’s sake. He could be the monster that everyone - except Jaskier, never Jaskier - assume him to be.
  * Even if the mutagens stripped him of fear, “frightening” is the only word that comes to mind, when he thinks of the things he would do for Jaskier. They make his heart beat faster and his belly twinge in an unfamiliar way, that could only be fear.
  * When Yennefer takes him to bed, he assumes this is her price for curing Jaskier. Not a common price, but he’s paid it before.
  * ~~He doesn’t understand why he always wants to claw his skin off afterwards. Why he bathes in water just short of boiling for days. Why he can’t sleep and keeps a hand on his sword, even when it’s just he and Roach.~~ It’s just sex after all, there are worse prices to pay.
  * Then Yennefer controls his mind, his body. Turns him into ~~Butcher, Butcher, Butcher~~ someone he’s not. Mages’ prices are always unpredictable. He should have remembered that.
  * He pays it gladly. No price is too high in exchange for Jaskier.
  * He washes the blood off his hands, his arms, his sword. ~~How is there always so much blood? Surrounding him, covering him; so deep he could drown in it~~ He makes his way back to Yennefer to collect his ~~Jaskier~~ payment.
  * When he gets there, Jaskier is already stumbling out of the manor. Thank Melitele, and every other goddess he doesn’t believe in.
  * Except something’s wrong. Jaskier smells of lilac and gooseberries and fear and someone else’s malice.
  * Jaskier’s fear smells like overripe fruit and festering wounds and flowers left to rot in the sun. ~~Jaskier’s fear smells like the grave, Geralt will some day put him in.~~ He never wants to smell it again
  * He listens to Jaskier blather on about Yennefer being insane, but only one message makes it through - though Jaskier never gives it voice: Yennefer dislikes Jaskier. He knows what happens to people that mages’ dislike.
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * Jaskier insists they leave Yennefer to die and privately he agrees. What business is it of his if a sorceress plays with forces she shouldn’t, and winds up on the business end of said forces?
  * She dislikes Jaskier, she threatened him.
  * Yennefer isn’t Stregobor. Stregobor is a guttering candle in comparison to the bonfire that is Yennefer. He’s never met a sorceress powerful enough to take over a Witcher’s mind. No one has.
  * What if she succeeds?
  * A sorceress who threatened Jaskier, who dislikes Jaskier, with a djinn’s power to back them?
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * He can’t let this happen.
  * So, he makes his final wish. He ties their destinies together and with it their fates. He may not know how to kill a sorceress as powerful as Yennfer, but he knows how to kill a Witcher. ~~He’d die a thousand times over to save Jaskier; he just may yet, if he can’t distract Yennefer from Jaskier.~~
  * He feels the djinn’s magic settle over his soul, chaining him, binding him to Yennefer. He doesn’t allow his stomach to turn, fights through the ache is his stomach and the burning in his throat.
  * No price is too high in exchange for Jaskier.
  * He hoped for a quick escape, to get both he and Jaskier as far from ~~Stregobor~~ ~~Yennefer~~ this place as he could, but Yennefer opens her eyes; they’re burning with lust.
  * Sex is as good a ~~distraction~~ ~~bribe~~ ~~plea~~ reaction to the events of the day as any.
  * ~~Don’t hurt him. Don’t pay attention to him. Take what you want from me instead.~~
  * There is no tub to bathe in that night, but the river is safe and water is water. ~~Cold burns differently than heat, but he welcomes it all the same.~~
  * Jaskier prefers him clean, so surely he won’t complain about Geralt using all of his soap. ~~He can’t get the smell of lilacs and gooseberries and sex out of his nose.~~




	2. Chapter 2

  * It’s three months later, in some no name tavern, in some no name town, while he’s picking drowner guts from his hair, that Jaskier asks to kiss him.
  * He says yes.
  * ~~He ignores the warmth that grows brighter in his chest that Jaskier asked before doing so.  
~~
  * Jaskier always asks before they do anything. Before they kiss. Before they hold hands. Before they ~~make love~~ fuck. Jaskier asks every single time.
  * Geralt never thought it possible for him to ~~love~~ like the bard more than he already did.
  * Geralt catches himself pausing in front of jewelry stalls in the markets they visit.  
  

  * ~~His eyes always linger on the rings~~
  * He usually leaves with a shiny trinket for Jaskier. A bracelet, a necklace, a hat pin. The bard does so love his jewelry.
  * ~~Jaskier may never wear his ring, but Geralt can give him other things to show off.  
~~
  * It’s a few ~~blissful~~ ~~peaceful~~ ~~wonderful~~ months after he and Jaskier come together that he feels a tugging at the chains around his soul; smells lilac and gooseberries from across town.
  * Yennefer is here.
  * His first instinct is to grab Jaskier and ~~flee~~ ~~run~~ leave town. The contract he came for is complete and it’s unlikely another will be popping up soon. It’s time to move on.
  * However, if he can sense Yennefer’s presence, it’s likely she can sense his. Leaving now would only provoke suspicion or curiosity.
  * Yennefer’s curiosity is the last thing he wants.
  * Mages are possessive of the things ~~people~~ they ~~take~~ ~~steal~~ lay claim on.
  * If she disliked Jaskier before, gods only knew how she would react after discovering that he is ~~Jaskier’s, Jaskier’s, Jaskier’s, with every slow beat of his undying heart~~ involved with the bard
  * “ ~~No more Princess”~~
  * So, he’ll just have to distract her.
  * ~~Suddenly, his food is no longer appealing; despite his stomach having gone empty for the last two days, while hunting the Bruxa. There’s a feeling he can’t name crawling up the back of his neck, covering it in a cold sweat. He grasps the hilt of his sword under the table. The crawling under his skin is just an after effect of number of decoctions he took during the hunt; never mind he’s never had this reaction before.~~
  * He orders a bath from the innkeeper to be waiting in thier room.
  * Takes one last look at Jaskier, safe and smiling and working the crowd like he was born to it; lets Jaskier’s voice wash over him like a wave and leaves.
  * No price is too high in exchange for that smile.
  * He finds Yennefer.
  * She kisses him.
  * ~~She doesn’t ask~~
  * She does more than kiss him
  * ~~She doesn’t ask then either~~
  * Afterwards, he gathers his clothes and leaves.
  * ~~He vomits in a bush on the way back to the inn. It must be the toxicity build up from the decoctions.~~
  * Jaskier is lying in bed, asleep, when he gets back.
  * ~~Geralt wants to climb into bed and wrap his arms around Jaskier. Wants to hide his nose in the bard’s hair until lilac, gooseberries, and sex are buried under oak moss, wildflowers, and sandalwood. His eyes burn, but he doesn’t cry; the mutagens saw to that centuries ago.~~ ~~~~
  * If he climbs into bed now, he’ll transfer Yennefer’s scent on to the pillows, the sheets, Jaskier.
  * ~~No. Just no.~~
  * He uses Igni to heat the bath just a bit hotter than even a Witcher normally finds comfortable and bathes. He isn’t sure if his skin turns bright red from the heat or the ~~way he scrubs, scrubs, scrubs~~ soap, but at least he feels a bit cleaner.
  * ~~He’s not sure he’s ever known what it feels like to be completely clean, though when Jaskier bathes him, it comes close.~~
  * He climbs into bed, momentarily waking Jaskier. The bard smiles and sleepily asks if he can hold him.
  * Geralt says ~~chokes~~ yes ~~please~~
  * Geralt wraps himself around Jaskier, buries his nose in the bard’s hair ~~oak moss wildflowers sandalwood home~~ and closes his eyes.
  * He has his first nightmare about Blaviken in years.
  * Instead of Renfri felled by his sword ~~by his love~~ it’s Jaskier.
  * He wakes with a scream tangled in his throat and pulls the bard to him with shaking arms.
  * He listens to the deep, steady thrumming best of Jaskier’s heart. Still alive, still breathing.
  * ~~For now~~
  * The next morning, Jaskier smells Yennefer’s distinctive perfume on the clothes Geralt abandoned before coming to bed.
  * He’s a little disappointed that the Witcher didn’t tell him that he was going to see the sorceress, instead of disappearing into thin air during his performance.
  * Surely, Geralt doesn’t think that I would begrudge him spending time with another lover. He deserves all the love that he can get, all the love in the Continent.
  * Jaskier brushes his disappointment to the side. Geralt was likely just tired. The Witcher will tell him soon enough. 




	3. Chapter 3

  * The night with Yennefer marked Geralt’s first nightmare about Jaskier dying in Blaviken.
  * It isn’t the last.
  * Sometimes he kills Jaskier.
  * Sometimes it’s Stregobor
  * Sometimes it’s Yennefer
  * ~~Sword, drowning, fire, stones, torture, arrows; Jaskier dies a thousand deaths in his dreams.~~
  * ~~He’s never fast enough, clever enough, strong enough, enough, enough, enough to save him.  
~~
  * After a solid month of waking to find his lover ~~shaking, covered in icy sweat, biting his lips bloody to supress the screams clawing at his throat,~~ distressed, Jaskier forces the Witcher to tell him about the nightmares.
  * Let me ~~bathe in the blood of every bad dream that dares to touch you~~ help, Jaskier begs.
  * Once Geralt has said his fill ~~spilled his guts about the blood wrongly painted on his hands by the deliberate spreading of misinformation by one man, one mage, one _monster_~~ he settles into a - hopefully - peaceful sleep beside their campfire.
  * Jaskier covers the Witcher with a spare blanket, walks deep into the woods, clamps a hand tight over his own mouth and _screams until he’s hoarse._
  * The Butcher of Blaviken, _indeed  
_
  * Jaskier sits awake that night, staring deep into the slowly dying campfire, idly twirling the dagger usually concealed beneath the arm of his shirt
  * The blade shines pure black in the right lighting and is sharp enough to split hair. It was a gift ~~trophy~~ from a King whose court he played in
  * ~~That King was burned at the stake, six months after Jaskier arrived.~~
  * The skills he learned in the Secret Service have been getting ever so rusty, perhaps it was time to break them back out again.
  * ~~Never killed a mage before, Stregobor should make for an interesting addition to the body count.~~
  * Geralt sleeps peacefully for the first time in ~~years~~ ~~decades~~ a month.
  * Jaskier begins to notice a pattern over the next six months.
  * Occasionally, Geralt will disappear into the night, with no warning; only to appear a number of hours later, with no explanation.
  * Geralt will bathe until his skin is lobster red and the smell of soap is so strong even Jaskier’s nose protests a bit.
  * Geralt refuses to touch him until after he’s bathed and will spend an hour afterwards with his nose buried in Jaskier’s hair, just breathing. ~~Scenting  
~~
  * Jaskier can smell Yennefer’s perfume on Geralt’s clothes the next morning.
  * These are odd quirks, but the Witcher does have a sensitive nose, perhaps he doesn’t want his lovers’ scents to mix? ~~Why, though?~~
  * Geralt likely does the same thing when he visits Yennefer. ~~Does he?  
~~
  * ~~Wish Geralt would just tell me that he’s involved with Yennefer, instead of vanishing into the night; like she’s a dirty little secret.~~
  * ~~And you’d know all about secrets, wouldn’t you, _Julian_?~~




	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: SUICIDE ATTEMPT

  * Geralt is fine.
  * ~~His skin crawls near constantly and only the mutagens prevent rawness and scalding from the baths he takes.  
~~
  * ~~Food tastes like ash in his mouth~~
  * ~~Some days he can’t stand to be touched, even by Jaskier~~
  * ~~His heart leaps at the way Jaskier always respects “no” and never pushes for more, for an explanation~~
  * Everything is fine.
  * Then comes the clusterfuck of a dragon hunt
  * Jaskier and Yennefer are face to face again
  * That ~~creeping~~ ~~clawing~~ ~~biting~~ feeling at the back of his neck makes itself a home there.
  * His throat is too tight to eat and his hand aches from gripping the hilt of his sword too tightly
  * ~~This is hell~~
  * Every snipe, every snide comment Jaskier and Yennefer throw at each other makes his muscles bunch tighter and icy sweat roll down his back.
  * ~~He wants to take Jaskier and run run run.~~
  * ~~It wouldn’t make any difference, Yennefer would find them~~
  * ~~Yennefer can always find him  
~~
  * ~~And when she did  
~~
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * He does his best not to show Jaskier any favoritism, to treat his ~~lover~~ ~~love~~ ~~beloved~~ bard as he did the day they met in Posada.
  * ~~Every wounded, puzzled look Jaskier sends him, shreds deeper than any monster’s claws have ever reached.~~
  * ~~_This_ is hell~~
  * Until now, Jaskier never considered that Yennefer wasn’t Geralt’s dirty little secret, _he_ was
  * ~~Always someone’s secret, aren’t you?~~
  * The rings he picked up on a whim, at a bardic competition, weigh heavily in the breast pocket of his doublet.
  * ~~Julian, Julian, Julian, you’re good for a good time, but not for keeps. You should know that by _now._~~
  * Geralt listens as Jaskier composes “Her Sweet Kiss” and bites his lips to keep his screams inside his chest.
  * ~~The screams would shred his lungs to blood and ragged sinews, if he let them out.~~
  * ~~This is _hell._  
~~
  * ~~~~Yennefer calls him to her tent that night and he goes.
  * ~~Just one more time, just once more.~~
  * ~~It’s always just once more.~~
  * He steps inside her tent and starts disrobing.
  * ~~Just get it over with~~
  * ~~Just get it done  
~~
  * ~~Just - just let it end  
~~
  * ~~Please, gods, let it _end  
_~~
  * ~~~~Usually, by this time Yennefer would be eager to get Geralt in bed or on his knees.
  * Though the Witcher isn’t one for vocalizing, he does such amazing things with his tongue
  * However, she remembers Triss stumbling upon one of her orgies, a few months back, and giving her a tongue lashing she won’t soon forget.
  * Yennefer isn’t quite sure she understood everything that Triss was talking about.
  * She knew pain, knew suffering.
  * ~~She knew sleeping in a pigpen and beatings and being sold like an animal~~
  * She was always careful to make sure that none of the people in her orgies were beaten or tortured or even bruised, outside of a few love bites.
  * She couldn’t see how that would be considered hurting them, but Triss was very emphatic about always asking for permission, no matter what.
  * So, she asks
  * Geralt freezes, halfway through taking off his breeches.
  * Yennefer asked if he wants to have sex with her. She _asked._
  * He tries.
  * He fucking _tries_ to say “yes”, but the word is lodged in his throat.
  * ~~His “yes” is for Jaskier, only for Jaskier.~~
  * The Witcher stands there, staring off into the middle distance and Yennefer _knows_ the answer to her question.
  * Triss’ lecture about enthusiastic consent is suddenly making a _sickening_ amount of sense to her.
  * ~~Say yes, say yes~~
  * ~~It’s one stupid word, just say it  
~~
  * ~~He _has to say it_~~
  * ~~He can’t~~
  * ~~He can’t  
~~
  * ~~He _can’t  
_~~
  * ~~~~Geralt is still and silent as stone.
  * Yennefer has to fix this, to make it better.
  * ~~She can’t, she doesn’t know how.~~
  * She calls for Jaskier.
  * Geralt is obviously head over heels for the ridiculous bard, so the man must know how to fix this.
  * ~~Please let him know how to fix this.~~
  * Geralt hears Yennefer call for Jaskier; his heart stops.
  * He knows what happens to people that mages’ dislike.
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * He falls to his knees
  * Bares his throat
  * And _begs_.
  * Yennefer watches Geralt beg,
  * ~~Don’t hurt Jaskier~~
  * ~~I’ll be good  
~~
  * ~~I’ll cooperate, I promise~~
  * ~~Take whatever you want,~~
  * ~~However you want,~~
  * ~~Just don’t hurt Jaskier~~
  * Yennefer calls for more urgently for Jaskier
  * The Witcher’s desperate litany ~~makes her want to simultaneously, vomit, drain all the potions in this tent into her throat, and boil her own skin off~~ is ~~distressing~~ ~~horrifying~~ ~~nauseating~~ offputting.
  * ~~Oh, gods has she~~
  * ~~Did she~~
  * ~~Fuck  
~~
  * ~~Fuck~~
  * ~~Fuck  
~~
  * _~~Why didn’t she see it?~~_
  * Geralt hears Yennefer call for Jaskier again; smells her panic and anger
  * He _knows_ what will happen if Jaskier enters this tent
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * _Never_
  * _Never a-fucking-gain  
_
  * Geralt grabs the dagger hidden in his boots
  * ~~He hopes Jaskier will sing at his pyre, so he may carry those tunes to whatever afterlife awaits a Witcher~~
  * He aims the dagger at his heart
  * And _thrusts_




	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

  * Jaskier enters Yennefer’s voluptuous tent to find utter chaos
  * Geralt is aiming a dagger at his own heart, while Yennefer’s magic seems to be restraining him
  * ~~What. The. Fuck~~
  * Geralt sees Jaskier and yells at him to run, to flee before -
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * He strains against the binding hold, but the magic is immovable as the grave
  * ~~Jaskier’s grave~~
  * ~~His fault~~
  * ~~Always and forever his fault  
~~
  * Jaskier takes a deep breath and pushes his fear, his panic, to the back of his mind; the way he was trained to
  * ~~There will be time to deal with it later~~
  * He steps forward to kneel in front of Geralt.
  * “Please, love, please stop. Please, give me the dagger.”
  * ~~Don’t do this~~
  * ~~Don’t make me watch you die~~
  * ~~I will _raze_ this place and everyone in it to the fucking ground~~
  * Geralt continues fighting the magic
  * He must
  * He has to
  * Doesn’t Jaskier see?
  * If he doesn’t
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * The dagger is inching closer and closer to its target
  * Jaskier does the only thing he can
  * He looks deep into Geralt’s beautiful amber eyes
  * And slips his arm between Geralt’s chest and the blade
  * The tip of the dagger rests ~~lovingly~~ against the artery in his arm
  * If Geralt pushes forward even a hair’s width, he will puncture it and Jaskier will bleed out in minutes
  * He leans his forehead against Geralt’s and whispers,
  * “If we do this, love, it’s together or not at all.”
  * ~~Together or not at all~~
  * ~~I’ve met Death in so many faces, so many forms; we’re old friends, they and I.~~
  * ~~I’m ready~~
  * ~~Are you?~~
  * He exhales, closes his eyes and waits
  * Geralt has to do this
  * Has to stop Yennefer, to keep her from -
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * But, if he keeps fighting, keeps pushing
  * ~~He always kills the people he loves, it’s what he’s good at~~
  * For a moment, one infinite moment, he craves it like a wild thing
  * ~~No more pain~~
  * ~~No more Path  
~~
  * ~~No more stonings~~
  * ~~No more Monster, Butcher, mutant freak~~
  * ~~Just he and Jaskier, forever and ever, amen~~
  * He stops fighting.
  * He won’t take silver or steel to the person he loves
  * Not again
  * Geralt drops the dagger.
  * Jaskier’s shoulders slump in relief and he inhales smoothly
  * “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
  * ~~He opens his eyes to see Death lurking in the corner of the tent and fights the urge to snarl at the specter.~~
  * ~~Not today~~
  * ~~Not today~~
  * ~~Not tomorrow~~
  * ~~Not ever~~
  * ~~This one is _mine_ ~~
  * ~~I will fight you to _hell_ and back for him~~
  * _~~Old Friend~~_
  * ~~We go together or _not at all_~~
  * ~~Death’s soft, soft hand caresses the back of his neck as they pass out of the tent~~
  * ~~Until next time, _Julian  
_~~
  * Yennefer releases the magic holding the Witcher and collapses into a chair
  * ~~What the fuck~~
  * ~~What the ever loving _fuck_ is going on~~
  * Jaskier’s forehead remains pressed to Geralt’s, counting the Witcher’s shaky inhales and exhales, gazing into those gorgeous eyes,
  * “May I hold you?”
  * Geralt nods
  * ~~Please, please, please~~
  * Let him feel Jaskier’s arms around him, holding him, one more time before -
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * Jaskier pulls Geralt tight into his arms, tucks the Witcher’s head beneath his chin and _breathes_
  * Woodsmoke, cedar, a slight hint of onion, and a soft musk unique to Geralt filter into Jaskier’s nose
  * ~~Mine~~
  * ~~Safe~~
  * ~~No place for Death here~~
  * ~~Now nor ever~~
  * He turns a ~~flat~~ ~~dead~~ _~~abyssal~~_ gaze on Yennefer,
  * “Explain.”




	6. Chapter 6

  * One word: explain.
  * A demand, not a request
  * Yennefer would scoff at the presumption that the ridiculous bard could ever demand anything of her.
  * This isn’t the ridiculous, peacocking bard, though. This is someone very different.
  * Someone who carries the kind of calm that only comes from having met death so many times, they are no longer phased by it.
  * ~~Yennefer knows, she knows that if she makes the wrong decision here, she will die at this man’s hands.~~
  * ~~Maybe not today~~
  * ~~Maybe not tomorrow~~
  * ~~But inevitably and unstoppably  
~~
  * Besides, that one demand is an anchor to cling to in the insanity of this night.
  * One command, one job
  * An anchor in the chaos
  * She opens her mouth and explains.
  * Jaskier listens, while his mind detatchedly puts together the pieces of a _sickening_ puzzle
  * ~~And there were oh, so many pieces weren’t there, _Julian_?~~
  * The disappearances
  * The baths
  * ~~Geralt’s skin scrubbed red as lobster, as the settung sun, as _blood_ , and surely it must hurt ~~
  * The refusals of touch
  * Geralt’s uneasiness at the oddest times
  * The nightmares
  * ~~The Butcher~~
  * ~~So many pieces, so many signs, too bad you _missed them_~~
  * Jaskier takes the urge to scream
  * To cry
  * ~~To rage~~
  * ~~Rage~~
  * _~~Rage~~_
  * ~~Against anyone who has laid so much as a finger on Geralt of Rivia~~
  * ~~I will be the spark, that lights the pyre, that burns their worlds to _ash_ and _cinder_~~
  * ~~I will dance on their graves and sing of their demise _with a smile_~~
  * ~~~~And locks it away deep, deep inside of himself.
  * ~~There will be time to deal with it later~~
  * “I don’t understand why he thought I would hurt you, if he didn’t - if he didn’t-“
  * Yennfer can’t say the word, can’t think it, can’t focus on it without wanting to _scream_
  * ~~Why didn’t she _see_?~~
  * “Because he knows what happens when a mage dislikes someone; don’t you love?”
  * Geralt squeezes Jaskier tighter, buries his face in the bard’s neck, and _breathes_ , trying to memorize everything
  * The feeling of Jaskier’s arms around him; strong and sure, but never caging
  * The oak moss, wildflower, sandalwood scent of him; overlaid now with a hint of frost
  * The timbre and cadence of his lover’s voice
  * ~~How loved and safe and protected he feels~~
  * ~~He wishes he’d bought the rings~~
  * ~~Wishes he’d slid one on Jaskier’s finger by the light of the moon, when the gods and goddesses of the world weren’t paying attention~~
  * Just a few more moments
  * Just a few
  * Before
  * “ ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * ~~No more jaunty tunes that get stuck in his head for days~~
  * ~~No more warm smiles across the campfire, the inn, the bath~~
  * ~~No more morning light, turning the bard’s hair copper against the pillow~~
  * Melitele, _please_ , just a few more ~~years~~ ~~days~~ ~~hours~~ moments
  * Jaskier holds Geralt tight against him.
  * The Butcher of Blaviken, _in-fucking-deed_.
  * Jaskier tells the story of how the Witcher came by his infamous moniker
  * The most gruesome title, granted to one who deserved it the _least_ , in this hellhole of a Continent.
  * ~~I’ve felled _kings_ for lesser insults.~~
  * Yennefer feels chaos swirling, burning like hot coals beneath her skin, searching for an outlet, any outlet
  * She’s always been so much better with rage than with guilt
  * Rage, at least, is useful
  * She shoves it down, locks it inside, to simmer until it can be unleashed into a blaze
  * She needs to fix this, somehow, someway.
  * As gently as she can, she tells Geralt that she has no intention of harming his bard.
  * Life would be incredibly dull without his annoyingly sharp tongue and horrific fashion sense.
  * There is no need for the Witcher to _force_ himself, for the sake of Jaskier’s safety, she reassures.
  * Geralt hears the words, hears the truth in them and isn’t quite sure if he trusts them
  * But he’s tired
  * He’s so, so _tired_
  * He just wants it to be _over_ and it _is_
  * ~~It’s finally, finally _over_.~~
  * ~~He can rest~~
  * Jaskier watches the adrenaline and desperation dissipate, leaving Geralt exhaustedly slumped in his arms.
  * The Witcher needs the respite of rest, of sleep, more than anything now
  * “We’ll need to talk about this, love. But, for now, the huge bed over there looks fantastic. What say we give it a try, hmm?”
  * Geralt allows Jaskier to help him to his feet and gently guide him towards the bed.
  * Luckily, the tent must be new, because nothing smells overly of lilac and gooseberries
  * Geralt lets the bard lay him down and cover him with soft, cool silk, that feels like heaven against his skin
  * Jaskier sits beside him, running long fingers through his hair, and humming a soft lullaby
  * Geralt falls into blessed sleep, feeling ~~loved~~ safe.
  * Jaskier continues humming, until he’s sure that Geralt is sleeping deeply, comfortably, hopefully peacefully.
  * The Witcher looks impossibly young when he sleeps, all of the the stresses, the pain, the heartaches of the Path sloughing off him like dirt in a warm bath
  * ~~Mine~~
  * ~~Mine to protect~~
  * ~~Mine to cherish~~
  * ~~For as long as he wants, as long as he will let me~~
  * He looks up to Yennefer, across the room, sees the rage simmering in her eyes
  * Softer, now, but ready to explode at any moment; like smoke from under dry brush
  * “Want to help me kill Stregobor?”




	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Implied Torture, Implied Necrophilia, STREGOBOR

  * Yennefer watches as the bard regards her with sharp, flat eyes
  * Geralt may be physically intimidating, due to his white hair, and yellow eyes, and sheer bulk
  * But Geralt never sent a chill creeping along her spine, the way those eyes do
  * ~~Geralt never sent her heart pumping with the pure, animal instinct to run from a predator~~.
  * The bard is a trickster; sweet and stupid and naïve one moment and cold as the grave the next
  * Yennefer knows better than to be on the wrong side of a force like that.
  * Besides, she does so love dispensing a little justice to those as deserve it
  * “Portals are a specialty of mine,” she replies
  * The bard’s answering smile is more animal than human,
  * “Infiltration is one of mine. Find him and I’ll get us in.”
  * When Yennefer returns from scrying Stregobor’s location, the bard is waiting for her
  * The kohl around his eyes widens them, but does nothing to disguise the complete and utter _lack_ within
  * The rouge on his lips gives way to a sickeningly wide grin
  * He looks impossibly young, no older than 18, if that
  * “Playing to his weakness,” the bard explains.
  * Yennefer nods, ignoring the dread, ~~the urge to run run run~~ and opens a portal to Blaviken
  * They step through to the door of Stregobor’s castle.
  * Though the mage himself may be weak, his wards are strong.
  * Hopefully, whatever Jaskier has planned will work, lest this trip all be for naught.
  * Jaskier’s plan works
  * Stregobor now lies unconscious in his own entrance hall, thanks to a powder the bard had secreted in his palm.
  * ~~Yennefer ignores the nausea that settled in her stomach, at the way the old mage gazed at Jaskier on his doorstep~~
  * The bard hauls the mage over his shoulder and carries him into a nearby room.
  * He sets Stregobor none too gently in a chair and binds him there with dimeritium cuffs, that he’d hidden away somewhere on his person
  * ~~Yennefer feels dread claw its way up the back of her neck~~
  * ~~Where the hell did the bard get the tools to suppress magic?~~
  * Yennefer asks what Jaskier plans to do with the man
  * “Talk, of course,” he responds with a grotesque grin
  * He turns his cold, flat, ~~dead~~ gaze on her and tells her to wait outside the door.
  * She goes to protest
  * “I’m going to take my time with him, Yennefer. You don’t want to see that.”
  * For once, she agrees with him
  * Whatever this man ~~this _predator_~~ has planned, she doesn’t want to witness it.
  * She leaves and closes the door behind her.
  * It’s only a few minutes later, when a short sharp scream pierces the silence, that she’s glad she did.
  * ~~The scream is followed by another~~
  * ~~And another~~
  * ~~And another~~
  * She knows the moment that Stregobor passes from the world
  * Not from the silence, ~~so sharp she could cut herself on it~~
  * But from how the illusory glade falls away, to reveal bodies
  * Body after body after body of girls that once populated said glade
  * All carefully stripped naked and preserved, as to seem that they’re simply sleeping
  * Yennefer brings a hand to her mouth and breathes past the gagging in her throat
  * She hears a door open and turns to see the bard
  * His arms are covered in thick, dark blood up to the elbows, where it sticks to his rolled up sleeves
  * There’s blood spattered across his chest, his neck, and up onto his chin
  * He’s dragging a lump of fabric behind him, leaving a deep red trail in his wake
  * She ignores the ~~horrifyingly~~ ~~nauseatingly~~ unsettlingly satisfied look in his eyes
  * She doesn’t ask what he’s doing
  * What’s wrapped in the once white sheet
  * She stands frozen, staring at him
  * A deer caught in a hunter’s sights
  * ~~Run~~
  * ~~Run~~
  * ~~Run~~
  * ~~It won’t make a difference  
~~
  * She watches silently as he walks past her, dragging his bounty behind him and headed for the castle stairs
  * Watches as he lifts the burden over his shoulder and red, so deep as to look black, flows down over his shirt
  * Watches as he trudges up the stairs, the faint sight of a familiar specter ~~of Death~~ following in his wake
  * Jaskier half turns his head on his way up the stairs to watch as Death pulls Stregobor’s still screaming soul from what’s left of his body
  * “I’ve been waiting for this one some time,” Death says. “You always bring time the most marvelous gifts, don’t you, Julian?”
  * “Enjoy it. It’ll be the last.”
  * Jaskier lays Stregobor’s body out on the cobblestones at the top of the keep, takes some spare rope and loops it around the dead man’s neck
  * “Liar,” Death whispers in his ear
  * Jaskier feels the faint brush of soft, cold lips against his cheek
  * ~~It’s always the last~~
  * ~~The last “gift”~~
  * ~~The last of blood on his hands~~
  * ~~The last of burning ruined clothes~~
  * ~~The last of _Julian  
_~~
  * ~~Until it isn’t~~
  * He ties the rope off and shoves the mage’s naked body off of the keep, sending his message
  * ~~Don’t touch what’s _mine_ ~~
  * Yennefer hears light footsteps coming down the stairs and turns her attention away from the bodies in the glade, to see Jaskier, now free of his burden
  * She doesn’t ask what he did with ~~the body~~ ~~his victim~~ ~~his kill~~ Stregobor.
  * She gestures to the bodies and says they should do something.
  * These girls deserve the dignity that they were likely never given in life, nor in death.
  * He tells her to leave them
  * “We can’t just leave them, they’re people,” she insists.
  * “They’re not people, not anymore. They’re evidence,” Jaskier responds, as smooth and cold as the grave.
  * Evidence that there was only one Butcher of Blaviken and it wasn’t _Geralt  
_
  * Yennefer nods in agreement, but subtly casts a preservation spell over the bodies
  * The least she can do is ensure that the girls are given the chance to be laid to rest whole
  * They walk out of the castle and she opens a portal back to the mountain
  * Before she steps through, she looks back
  * Stregobor is hanging from the castle walls, barely recognizable
  * ~~The word “Butcher” carved into his chest by a careful hand.~~



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The deleted scene featuring Jaskier and Stregobor’s talk, as a separate work titled “Did You Hear the Rain?”. If anyone would like to take a look! 💜


	8. Chapter 8

  * Jaskier and Yennefer step out of the portal outside of Yennefer’s tent.
  * There’s no one awake to see as Jaskier strips off his clothes
  * ~~The cloth stained with a red so dark it shines black by the moonlight~~
  * He takes the bundle of ruined clothes and tosses it into the fire
  * ~~Better it burn, than Geralt smell Stregobor or his blood on me~~
  * ~~Still, I did so like that shirt~~
  * Jaskier makes sure the clothes catch fire, before collecting the knives he’d removed from them.
  * He walks into Yennefer’s tent, to see Geralt still sleeping peacefully in the bed.
  * He wants to crawl into bed beside his Witcher, his lover 
  * ~~Trail his sticky hands through frost white locks, leaving streaks of red in his wake~~
  * ~~And press his bloodstained lips to Geralt’s~~
  * ~~Say, Look, now there’s no more Butcher~~
  * ~~No more reason to fear~~
  * ~~Look what I’ve done for you, my love~~
  * ~~No one will ever hurt you that way again~~
  * ~~I made sure of it~~
  * He takes a bath instead
  * Washes the tacky red-black blood from his arms and face
  * Scrubs himself clean with wildflower soap and lets the evidence flow away
  * Once he’s dressed, ~~daggers safely hidden once more~~ , he slides into a plush chair beside the bed
  * Close enough to touch, should his Witcher want him to, but staunchly between Geralt and the tent flap.
  * He idly twirls a dagger between his fingers and tracking Yennefer’s movements around the tent.
  * Yennefer changes her outfit, trying to ignore the ~~dread~~ ~~fear~~ caution settled in her chest since ~~“They’re evidence” and the word Butcher carved deep and bloody into Stregobor’s chest scream after and scream still ringing in her ears~~ Stregobor’s castle.
  * She goes to the table and pours two glasses of wine, handing one to the bard, before settling on a chaise across the tent.
  * Jaskier mimes taking a drink, before settling the glass aside
  * ~~Only a blind fool trusts just because they’ve spilled blood with someone~~
  * Yennefer sips her wine, trying to ignore the bard’s eyes sharp on her every move
  * The way his dagger slides between his fingers
  * Smooth as silk, as water, ~~as death~~
  * She’s given him no reason to trust her
  * And given what she’s done -
  * “Will you be coming for me next,” she asks.
  * ~~She ignores the way her heart pounds, pounds, pounds and tells her to flee~~
  * “Would you expect me to warn you if I were,” Jaskier responds.
  * ~~You may not have meant to hurt him~~
  * ~~But intentions mean nothing in the face of results~~
  * ~~You may not have understood what you were doing~~
  * ~~But that doesn’t absolve you of it~~
  * Yennefer looks deep into Jaskier’s ~~dead~~ ~~dead~~ ~~dead~~ eyes
  * ~~She can sense so much death about the bard~~
  * ~~Behind him~~
  * ~~Before him~~
  * ~~_Inside_ him~~
  * ~~A veritable field of corpses, and at the epicenter,~~
  * ~~His cherry lips~~
  * ~~His cheerful music~~
  * ~~And his dead, dead eyes~~
  * “I don’t think it would make a difference, if you did.”
  * Jaskier mimes another sip of wine, glancing momentarily over at Geralt
  * ~~Can’t say you haven’t considered it, can you, _Julian_?~~
  * He turns back to Yennefer
  * “I won’t come after you for what you’ve done.”
  * Yennefer nods and takes the pardon she’s been granted
  * ~~She ignore the ghostly brush of soft, cold fingers through her hair and the smell of rich, dark earth in her nose~~
  * She’s leaving. Tonight. The dragon’s heart isn’t worth her head.
  * ~~She can’t have everything, if she’s dead.~~
  * Yennefer announces her intent to leave, and offers Jaskier the tent.
  * Jaskier nods in return, taking the olive branch the sorceress is extending.
  * He watches as she gathers her things, dagger drifting lazily around his fingers.
  * She’s careful to not come too close to either he or Geralt
  * ~~Clever of her~~
  * As the sorceress is about to leave, he softly, evenly says, “I know the signs now. If you ever again touch him against his will, I will not be so understanding, _Yennefer of Vengerberg_.”
  * Yennefer nods in recognition and steps into the portal she’s created.
  * ~~She ignores the chill working its way down her spine at the way the bard said her name~~
  * ~~In that voice she’d heard the cadence of death; the sound of doors closing and earth striking a coffin lid.~~
  * Geralt wakes the next morning in Yennefer’s tent, in Yennefer’s bed.
  * Before he can panic, he sees Jaskier sitting in a nearby chair, smiling at him in the morning light
  * The sun casts a halo of bronze around his ~~lover’s~~ bard’s head.
  * Jaskier tells him that Yennefer has given up the dragon hunt and left.
  * The lack of tugging at his soul verifies it as true.
  * Jaskier says they need to talk - about Yennefer, about him, about what’s gone on - but not until he’s ready.
  * The bard only asks that he not try to harm himself again or say “yes” to something that he does not desire.
  * ~~Geralt loves that Jaskier never asks for anything before he’s ready to give it~~
  * He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready to talk about it.
  * It’s enough that it’s over
  * It’s finally, finally over
  * For now, Jaskier asks if he can take him to the Coast
  * Geralt says yes.




	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a wild ride and I want to thank everyone for all of their love and support! I couldn’t have done with without you guys!

  * After Yennefer, after the Dragon Hunt, after trying to run a dagger through his own heart, Jaskier takes Geralt to the Coast.
  * They spend three ~~wonderful~~ ~~breathtaking~~ ~~blissful~~ months in a little cottage on a cliff, overlooking the sea.
  * For want of something to do, Geralt takes up gardening.
  * He discovers he enjoys it
  * Growing something
  * ~~Rather than destroying~~
  * Jaskier plays at nearby taverns, more for pleasure, than any need of coin.
  * ~~He wonders why Jaskier chooses to travel as a penniless bard, when he has more than enough funds to settle down someplace like this.~~
  * ~~He wonders where the funds come from  
~~
  * They feed each other strawberries, fresh from the vine, and sun themselves along the cliffs.
  * They make love in the garden, by the shade of the birch tree Geralt planted.
  * Jaskier freckles in the sun and Geralt takes his time mapping the sienna dots along his bard’s shoulders with his mouth.
  * Jaskier watches as his lover’s cheeks slowly fill out and the purple beneath his Witcher’s eyes fades.
  * They talk about it
  * Slowly
  * In fits and starts
  * and sudden, gushing torrents
  * There are days when Geralt’s skin crawls and he can’t stand any form of touch.
  * ~~Jaskier never complains about it.~~
  * Others, when he clings to his bard for hours, immersing himself in Jaskier’s scent and the sound of his heartbeat.
  * ~~Jaskier never complains about this, either.~~
  * There are nights when he wakes in a cold sweat and shoves Jaskier out of bed, in an effort to _get away._
  * ~~Jaskier never says a word, simply offers him comfort in the form of soft lullabies until he can sleep again~~
  * There are days when a rage, like nothing Geralt has ever known, overtakes him and he ends up throwing crockery against the side of ~~their~~ the cottage, just to watch it shatter.
  * ~~Jaskier just hands him more cups, bowls, plates, until his rage gutters itself. There is always a new set in the morning.~~
  * There are nights when he sneaks around the cottage, packing Roach’s saddle bags, determined to get back on the Path.
  * ~~A soft Witcher is a dead Witcher; this is no life for him.~~
  * ~~When he goes to give Jaskier one last kiss, the bard is always waiting; his lute in its case and a bag over his shoulder.~~
  * Geralt can survive the dangers of traveling at night, but he won’t risk Jaskier to them.
  * By the next morning, he’s unpacked the saddlebags and determined to stay, at least until they are properly supplied.
  * ~~Jaskier never complains about any of this.~~
  * ~~He loves Jaskier more every hour of every day.~~
  * ~~His heart feels so light, so warm, he’d suspect magic, if not for the way his medallion is as still as stone.~~
  * Slowly, Geralt learns about boundaries, learns about respect for himself and his body.
  * Learns that lack of saying “no”, does not mean “yes”.
  * Learns that his “no” should _always_ be respected, regardless of the situation.
  * Learns that sacrificing himself is an absolute last resort, even if it is for Jaskier.
  * The bard shows him all of the daggers cleverly hidden within his clothing, his travel bags, his lute case.
  * Jaskier takes out to a nearby tree and demonstrates exactly how well he can use them; both at distance and close range.
  * Jaskier may not be as quick or as strong as a Witcher, but he’s nearly as deadly.
  * ~~Geralt wonders where his bard learned such a skill.~~
  * ~~When he asks, Jaskier’s eyes go strange for the span of a blink, before he smiles sunnily and explains that Viscount’s sons are trained in all manner of combat.~~
  * He heals
  * Slowly
  * Surely
  * He heals
  * There’s only one remaining specter that refuses to budge
  * ” ~~No more Princess~~ ”
  * It’s an old wound, though. One whose pain is so familiar to become background noise. 
  * He doubts he’ll ever truly be free of the Butcher
  * Still, for the first time in his very long life, Geralt is ~~loved~~ ~~cherished~~ ~~happy~~ content.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to this fic “Screams My Name at Night” is now up!! Just click on the tag for the series and have fun reading!


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